When People-Pleasing Is a Trauma Response, Not a Personality Trait

I have seen many, many people who come to therapy describe themselves as “just too nice,” and many of them are coming in because the people they live with are driving them nuts.

The client patterns are:

They apologize quickly.
They avoid conflict at all costs.
They say yes when they mean no.
They carry other people’s emotions as if they were their own.

And often, they believe this is simply who they are.

But for many adults, people-pleasing isn’t a personality trait at all.
It’s a trauma response — specifically, a nervous system strategy known as the fawn response.

“Why Do I Always Put Everyone Else First?”

Clients struggling with people-pleasing often share similar pain points:

• “I don’t know what I need anymore.”
  
  

• “I feel responsible for everyone’s emotions.”
  
  

• “I’m exhausted, but I feel guilty resting.”
  
  

• “I’m afraid of disappointing people.”
  
  

• “I shut down or panic when there’s conflict.”
  
  

These patterns don’t come from weakness or lack of boundaries.

They come from a nervous system that learned early on:

“Staying connected means staying safe.”

The Fawn Response: A Survival Strategy

Most people are familiar with fight, flight, or freeze.

The fawn response is less talked about — but incredibly common.

It develops when:

• Expressing needs wasn’t safe
  
  

• Anger or disagreement led to rejection
  
  

• Care was inconsistent or conditional
  
  

• You had to manage others’ emotions to survive
  
  

The nervous system adapts by prioritizing connection over authenticity.

This can look like:

• Chronic self-abandonment
  
  

• Hyper-attunement to others
  
  

• Difficulty saying no
  
  

• Fear of being “too much”
  
  

• Loss of identity or voice
  
  

At one point, this response may have been protective.
Over time, it becomes exhausting.

Why Insight Alone Doesn’t Change People-Pleasing

From what I have seen, many people understand why they people-please — but still can’t stop.

They’ve read the books (I have some great suggestions)
They know their boundaries matter.
They’ve tried affirmations and scripts.

But when the nervous system associates boundaries with danger, logic isn’t enough.

People-pleasing lives in the body, not just the mind.

Your system reacts before you have time to think:

• Tight chest
  
  

• Knot in the stomach
  
  

• Freeze response
  
  

• Automatic yes
  
  

This is not a choice.
It’s conditioning.

How Somatic therapy Helps Heal the Fawn Response

Somatic, trauma-informed therapy works with the nervous system directly — not against it.

Instead of forcing boundaries, we gently build:

• Capacity to tolerate discomfort
  
  

• Safety in expressing needs
  
  

• Awareness of body signals
  
  

• Choice instead of reflex
  
  

In somatic therapy, clients learn:

• How to feel their own limits
  
  

• How to notice when they’re overriding themselves
  
  

• How to stay present during conflict
  
  

• How to reconnect with authenticity
  
  

As the nervous system stabilizes, people often report:

• Less guilt around saying no
  
  

• Clearer sense of self
  
  

• More balanced relationships
  
  

• Reduced anxiety and resentment
  
  

You Are Not “Too Much” — You Were Adapting

People-pleasing often comes with deep shame.

Many clients believe:

“If I stop taking care of everyone else, I’ll lose connection.”

Healing doesn’t require becoming cold or detached.

It means learning that you can be connected without disappearing.

Trauma therapy for People-Pleasing in Palm Beach & Virtual Florida and Connecticut

I specialize in somatic, trauma-informed therapy for adults who struggle with anxiety, PTSD, relational trauma, and chronic people-pleasing.

My work supports:

• Individuals stuck in the fawn response
  
  

• Adults who feel disconnected from themselves
  
  

• High-empathy, high-responsibility clients
  
  

• Those ready to build boundaries without losing connection
  
  

I offer:

• In-person therapy in Palm Beach, Florida
  
  

• Virtual therapy throughout Florida and Connecticut
  
  

If you’re tired of abandoning yourself to keep the peace, support is available.

About the Author: Jennifer Goggin, LPC, LMHC, SEP, is a licensed therapist in Palm Beach, Florida, offering anxiety therapy, depression therapy, and trauma treatment using Somatic experiencing, Somatic therapy, as well as many others. She provides in-person therapy locally and virtual therapy throughout Florida and Connecticut. Jennifer specializes in attachment wounds, family of origin, nervous system regulation and helping parents navigate their dysregulation challenges.

Follow her insights on Instagram (@gogginjen) and LinkedIn (see website for link) or learn more at www.jennifergogginLMHC.com.